منفي: رشتن ۾ سست زهر

It’s not hard to imagine how negativity can hurt a relationship. According to family therapist April Eldemir, part of the problem is that we see so many examples of negative interactions in couples, both in movies and in real life. People grumble, tease, criticize, or speak badly about their partners—the list even includes “just kidding.” Over time, this behavior begins to seem normal.

But, although negativity is so common, this does not mean at all that such manifestations are normal. Both our intuition and scientific research show that any interactions in this vein can be extremely harmful and threaten the integrity of the relationship.

According to Eldemir, we should all think about whether negativity is becoming the leitmotif of our family life. She suggests considering exactly what problems it brings to the relationship and what can be done to make a «positive shift.»

What is negative distortion?

Negativity in family relationships acts like a slow poison. Even the “little things” repeated day after day, month after month, year after year destroy the feeling of physical and emotional closeness between people and pave the way for the “four horsemen” that destroy relationships: criticism, contempt, hostility and deceit. Eventually, the toxic effects of negativity can be so strong that they lead to disaster.

Why is it so often difficult for us with partners? The reason for this may be a combination of various factors — for example, the fact that we:

• holding on to past tricks
• we do not talk about our needs and do not care about our own psychological and physical well-being,
• we have unfair expectations towards our spouse,
• know each other well enough to «push the buttons»
• projecting our own stresses onto our partner,
• we can just start taking our spouse for granted.

Regardless of the cause, it is important to be realistic about the impact that negativity can have on not only our marriage, but also on our health by becoming a habitual way of thinking and acting.

Many of us have a «negative distortion». This cognitive effect is that we tend to remember negative information rather than positive information. In response to negative interactions, we have a stronger behavioral and biochemical reaction than to positive ones.

That’s why one insult can have a much stronger effect on us than five compliments, and why we can stay up all night going through the unpleasant events of our lives instead of focusing on the good ones. Unfortunately, we are simply biologically and socially programmed to notice exactly the negative.

That is, bad words and actions can impress our minds, hearts, and bodies much more than good ones. This kind of «programming» of our mind can significantly distort our perception of our own spouse and make us blind and deaf to all the good that he or she can offer us. For the same reason, we often forget the good things that we experienced together. In the end, all this can lead to serious problems.

How to protect relationships?

“You can’t solve a problem if you don’t know about it,” says April Eldemir. This means that the first step to reducing negativity in a marriage is to become aware of it. “Pay attention to negative thoughts, words, feelings and behavior towards your partner. Try to write them down in a diary for several days so that you can look at them later with a fresh look and with a share of self-criticism. This experiment alone may be enough to start shifting attitudes in a more positive direction. Be sure to approach it with curiosity, not self-judgment, and trust that both you and your partner are doing the best you can.»

Here are some expert tips to help keep your marriage safe from the harmful effects of negativity and change the overall tone of the relationship.

• احسان رکو. Yes, yes, it’s that simple — start with kindness. Give sincere compliments, talk kindly about your partner to others, do something nice for him or her: for example, buy a small gift or cook your spouse’s favorite dish “just like that”, as you probably did before when you first started dating. Do something nice or useful for your partner, even if you don’t feel like it. It really can help.

It can be helpful to remember the so-called «magic ratio» that researcher John Gottman says occurs in happy marriages. His formula is simple: for every negative interaction, there must be at least five positive ones that effectively “balance out” or mitigate the unpleasant effect. April Eldemir recommends trying this formula in any relationship.

• شڪر ادا ڪرڻ. Consciously write and talk about what you are grateful for in your marriage and spouse.
• معاف ڪرڻ سکو. Both your partner and yourself. If you have old wounds that need to be worked on, consider seeing a family therapist.
• پنهنجو خيال رکو. Pay special attention to the things that help you stay healthy and manage stress, including exercise, sleep, eat right, and do things that make you happy and relax.

Happy relationships require work. And if a timely focus on the problem, a share of self-criticism and “correcting mistakes” will help stop the poisonous effect of negative thoughts and actions and return joy and happiness to marriage, then this work is far from being in vain.

About the author: April Eldemir is a family therapist.