معافي وٺڻ لاء جلدي نه ڪريو

The ability to ask for forgiveness for unworthy deeds has been considered a virtue from time immemorial. In fact, the content of all the literature on this topic boils down to how it is useful to apologize and how to do it sincerely.

Recently, however, some writers have been talking about the downsides of an apology. Before you admit your guilt, you need to think about how this could turn out — for us, our friends or relationships that we cherish.

Speaking about responsibility for mistakes in business cooperation, business columnist Kim Durant notes that a written apology characterizes a company as honest, ethical and good, and generally reflects its principles. Psychologist Harriet Lerner says that the words «I’m sorry» have powerful healing powers. The one who pronounces them makes an invaluable gift not only to the person whom he offended, but also to himself. Sincere repentance adds self-respect and speaks of the ability to objectively evaluate their actions, she emphasizes.

In light of all this, everything said below will sound ambiguous, and perhaps even cynical. However, unconditionally believing that apologies are always for the good of everyone is a big mistake. Actually it is not.

If the world were perfect, there would be no risk in apologizing. And there would be no need for them either, because everyone would act deliberately, tactfully and humanely. No one would sort things out, and there would be no need to atone for guilt. But we live in a reality where the mere fact of an apology does not mean that the willingness to take responsibility for one’s mistakes will ensure a successful outcome of the situation.

For example, when you sincerely repent, trying to explain how sorry you were rude or acted selfishly, that you did not want to offend or anger anyone, you should not expect to be immediately forgiven. Perhaps the person is not yet ready for this. As many authors have noted, it takes time for someone who feels offended to rethink the situation and come to forgiveness.

Let’s not forget about people who are distinguished by painful rancor and vindictiveness. They instantly feel how vulnerable the one who admits his guilt becomes, and it is difficult to resist such a temptation. Chances are they will use what you say against you.

Since they seriously think that they got “carte blanche” to get even in full, they take revenge without a shadow of a doubt, no matter How long someone’s words or actions harmed them. Moreover, if regret is expressed in writing, with specific explanations of why you felt it necessary to make amends, they have indisputable evidence in their hands that can be directed against you. For example, to share with mutual friends and thus denigrate your good name.

Paradoxically, there are many examples in history when an admission of guilt ruined a reputation. It is sad, if not tragic, that excessive honesty and indiscretion have ruined more than one highly moral nature.

Consider the common and extremely cynical expression: «No good deed goes unpunished.» When we are kind to our neighbor, it is hard to imagine that our neighbor will not return the same to us.

Nevertheless, everyone will surely be able to remember how, despite fear and doubt, he took responsibility for mistakes, but ran into anger and misunderstanding.

Have you ever confessed to some kind of misconduct, but the other person (for example, your spouse) could not appreciate your impulse and only added fuel to the fire and tried to hurt more painfully? Has it ever happened that in response to you heaped a hail of reproaches and listed all your «mean antics»? Perhaps your endurance can be envied, but most likely at some point you began to defend yourself. Or — to ease the pressure and hold back the onslaught — they attacked in response. It is not difficult to guess that any of these reactions only worsened the situation that you hoped to resolve.

Here, one more hackneyed turnover is begging: “ignorance is good.” To apologize to those who see it as weakness is to hurt yourself. In other words, reckless confession is the risk of compromising and even incriminating yourself. Many bitterly regretted that they had repented and put themselves at risk.

Sometimes we apologize not because we were wrong, but simply out of a desire to keep the peace. However, in the next minute there may be a weighty reason to insist on one’s own and give a tough rebuff to the enemy.

Besides, since we mentioned that we are guilty, it is useless to refuse our words and prove the opposite. After all, then we can easily be convicted of lies and hypocrisy. It turns out that we unwittingly undermine our own reputation. Losing it is easy, but getting it back is much harder.

One of the participants in an Internet discussion on this topic expressed an interesting, albeit controversial thought: “Admitting that you feel guilty, you sign your emotional weakness, that unscrupulous people use you to your detriment, and in such a way that you will not be able to object, because that you yourself believe that you got what you deserved. Which brings us back to the phrase «no good deed goes unpunished.»

The manner of apologizing all the time leads to other negative consequences:

• It destroys self-esteem: it deprives of faith in personal morality, decency and sincere generosity and makes you doubt your abilities.
• People around them cease to respect the one who asks for forgiveness at every turn: from the outside it sounds intrusive, pitiful, feigned and eventually begins to annoy, like continuous whining.

Perhaps there are two conclusions to be drawn here. Of course, it is important to apologize — both for ethical and practical reasons. But it is equally important to do it selectively and wisely. “Forgive me” is not only healing, but also very risky words.

About the Expert: Leon Seltzer, clinical psychologist, professor at the University of Cleveland, author of Paradoxical Strategies in Psychotherapy and The Melville and Conrad Concepts.