5 والدين جون غلطيون جيڪي توهان جي ٻارن کي ظالم بڻائي سگهن ٿيون

1. The people around the child do not show their true feelings.

Suppose a toddler hits another on the head with a shovel. It will be counterproductive if we, adults, despite the fact that we are angry, smile and say softly: “Kostenka, don’t do this!”

In this case, the child’s brain does not correctly remember how the other feels when the child fights or says rude things. And for the development of empathy, the correct memorization of the action and the reaction to it is extremely necessary.

Empathy and social behavior are not given to us from birth: a small child must first remember what feelings exist, how they are expressed in gestures and facial expressions, how people adequately respond to them. Therefore, when a wave of feelings rises in us, it is important to express them as naturally as possible.

The complete «breakdown» of the parents, by the way, is not a natural reaction. In my opinion, this word is overused by adults who justify their uncontrollable fits of anger: «But I’m just acting natural …» No. Our feelings lie in our area of ​​responsibility. Refusing this responsibility and shifting it to the child is not an adult.

2. Parents do everything to ensure that their children do not have to endure disappointment.

Children must learn to endure failures, overcome them in order to come out of different life situations stronger. If in feedback from the people to whom the child is attached, he receives a signal that they believe in him, his self-confidence grows. At the same time, the behavior of adults is more important than their words. It is important to broadcast your true feelings.

It is necessary to allow children to suffer small failures from the very beginning. There is no need to remove all obstacles without exception from the child’s path: it is the frustration that something has not yet worked out that triggers the internal motivation to grow above oneself.

If the parents constantly prevent this, then the children grow up into adults who are not adapted to life, crashing on the smallest failures or even not daring to start something out of fear of not being able to cope.

3. Instead of real comfort, parents distract the child.

If something goes awry and as a consolation, the parents give the child a gift, distracting him, the brain does not learn resilience, but gets used to relying on substitution: food, drinks, shopping, video games.

There is a difference between comforting with participation and comforting with distraction. With genuine consolation, a person feels better, feels relieved.

The counterfeit consolation wears off quickly, so he needs more and more. Of course, from time to time, parents can “fill in the gap” in this way, but it would be better to hug the child and experience his pain with him.

4. Parents behave unpredictably

In kindergarten, I had a best friend, Anya. I loved her very much. However, her parents were completely unpredictable: sometimes they bombarded us with sweets, and then — like a bolt from the blue — they began to get angry and threw me out into the street.

I never knew what we did wrong. One wrong word, wrong look, and it’s time to flee. It often happened that Anya opened the door for me in tears and shook her head if I wanted to play with her.

Humans have a basic need for structure and order in their lives. If for a long time they cannot foresee how their day will go, they begin to experience stress and get sick.

First of all, this applies to the behavior of parents: it must have some kind of structure that is understandable for the child, so that he knows what it is dictated by and can be guided by it. This helps him gain confidence in his behavior.

There are a lot of students in my school who have been labeled «with behavioral problems» by society. I know that many of them have the same unpredictable parents. Without consistent scenarios and clear guidelines, the child will not learn the rules of “normal” coexistence. On the contrary, he will react just as unpredictably.

5. Parents just ignore their kids’ «no»

More and more people are learning the simple “no means no” truth about adult sexual relationships. But for some reason, we broadcast the opposite to children. What does a child learn when he says no and still has to do what his parents say?

Because the stronger one always decides when «no» really means «no». The phrase of the parents «I wish you only the best!» is actually not that far off the rapist’s message: “But you want it too!”

Once, when my daughters were still small, I brushed the teeth of one of them against her will. I really was convinced that this was necessary, it was only for her good. However, she resisted as if it was about her life. She screamed and resisted, I had to hold her with all my might.

It was a real act of violence. When I realized this, I let her go and vowed to myself never to treat her like that again. How can she learn that her “no” is worth something, if even the closest, beloved person in the world does not accept this?

Of course, there are situations in which we, parents, must also step over the «no» of our children. When a two-year-old child throws himself on the asphalt in the middle of the street because he does not want to go further, there is no question: for safety reasons, parents must pick him up and carry him away.

Parents should and have the right to exercise «protective power» in relation to their children. But how often do these situations happen, and how often do we ignore the «no» of our children simply out of convenience or lack of time?

About the author: Katya Zayde is a special school teacher